Loss

For over a year Jesse and I have been trying to get pregnant not necessarily because I wanted to but because I felt like that's what we were supposed to do. I experienced a chemical pregnancy early on and then nothing happened for over a year. A few weeks ago I found out I was pregnant and I was a lot more excited about it than I thought I would be. I texted Jesse this picture to tell him the news.

We had been planning on going on another cruise this fall but I was going to be one week too far along to go. That was disappointing but I was so happy that I was finally pregnant that it didn't matter.

This past Sunday, June 7, I told my mom and Jesse's parents about the pregnancy and then when I went to the bathroom I was spotting. It was just brown blood so I didn't think much of it. The next two days I was still spotting so on Tuesday I had an ultrasound done to see if everything was alright. We were able to see a little peanut and we heard a heartbeat so I figured I was pretty much in the clear.

The spotting continued the next two days and at this point there was some pink blood. I asked the doctor about it at Atreyu's appointment and he said he didn't feel that it was a cause for concern unless the bleeding got heavier and I started cramping.

Naturally, I was starting to worry more and I was a bit upset over the whole thing. Jesse tried comforting me and reassuring me that what was happening was normal in pregnancy and that I shouldn't worry unless it got worse. We were planning on going to Provo on Thursday for Enoch's birthday and ordination to the priesthood but I felt really uneasy at the idea of leaving. Eddie and Bernie agreed to take the kids and Jesse and I stayed home. There was a bit of red blood on Thursday evening but it was very light. Friday morning, Jesse's birthday, the bleeding was about the same so I scheduled an appointment for an ultrasound that afternoon.

Unfortunately, at about 1:00 I went to the bathroom and a large clot came out. I started bleeding more and I knew what was happening. I laid down with Jesse and just cried. I felt so cheated that we had waited so long only to have it taken away from us. I asked Jesse for a blessing and after I felt a great peace. I knew my Heavenly Father was there and that he loved me. I feel that maybe this was the baby we were supposed to have; that maybe there was a sweet spirit up there that just needed a body.

I started cramping horribly after that and Jesse made me a hot pad since we don't have one and he ran to town and got me a prescription for some pain meds. After most of the pain had subsided I told Jesse that he should go to Logan and play Magic so that he could do something fun for his birthday. He was really hesitant about leaving me and if I had asked him to stay he would have. I told him there wasn't anything else he could do for me and that I wanted him to have a little fun. He left around 5:30.

A couple hours later there was a knock on the door and my dear, sweet friend Annie was there. She knew what I was experiencing and she wanted to be with me. It was the best surprise and I felt so much love and gratitude for her. She is truly my best friend and I am so grateful I have her in my life.

The miscarriage happened yesterday. Today I haven't had any cramping and I continue to feel at peace over the whole thing. I don't know at this point if I want to try to have another or not. I know that this is not the time to decide. I'm just nervous at the idea of having to try for another year before I get pregnant. That was incredibly stressful and I don't think I can go through that again. As I have said many times before, I am happy with my two kids. I don't feel that I have to have another but if we are blessed with another in the future I will love that baby as much as I love my others.

During this trial I am so glad I have the gospel in my life. It buoys me up. I know that Heavenly Father has a reason for everything and I am so thankful for my testimony. This trial would have been a lot more difficult to bear without it and I know I would still be struggling.

I am so thankful for Jesse. I am thankful that he was here to comfort me, rub my back, get me medicine, and mostly that he holds and honors the priesthood and was able to give me a blessing that I so needed. I love Jesse so much and I know I wouldn't have been able to get through this without him by my side.